Khaberni - There is a stereotype of resilience that shows the person as unshakeable, accepting tough news calmly and with a quiet smile, and sharing motivational phrases on a tough day. It is said that the strongest people are those who recover quickly, maintain high morale, and show no weakness.
But according to a report published by Space Daily, psychology sees these stereotypes and popular sayings as not true.
Research indicates that the reality is more complex. The most resilient people are not emotionally impervious; rather, they allow themselves to feel everything and process it in private, then rise again. They collapse one evening, yet rise the next morning overcoming the ordeal without asking anyone else to bear the burden for them. It's a different kind of strength.
The Myth of the Strong Person
The stereotype of the resilient person is that they suppress their distress well and remain steadfast.
A report published by Psychology Today points out that the reality is quite the opposite. Resilience doesn’t mean immunity against negative emotions; instead, it's about how one responds when they appear. The truth is that the path of resilience means being more prepared to experience one’s emotions.
Psychological Toughness
The idea that "keeping together" is the gold standard for psychological toughness is deeply ingrained in traditional parenting methods to the extent that many don't question it and automatically consider that emotions must be overcome in a long haul, and not succumb to them. Interestingly, it can require stepping back, slowing down, and engaging in mindfulness practice to realize that repression itself is the problem, not the emotions.
Problems of Repression
There is solid scientific evidence to support this. When we chronically suppress our emotions rather than processing them, the body registers this in tangible ways. Research published in the journal PMC confirms that suppressing emotions can exacerbate physiological arousal resulting from stress, particularly by increasing hemodynamic and neuroendocrine responses. In other words, suppressing emotions can wear down and exhaust the body more quickly.
And psychological burden accumulates over time. Studies on emotion regulation have found that habitual repression is associated with higher levels of negative emotions, lower levels of positive emotions, poorer social adjustment, and declining mental health.
Allowing One to Feel Bad
A pioneering study by researchers at the University of California and the University of Toronto, published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology, involved more than 1300 adults in three experiments. The researchers found that people who resist negative emotions are more likely to suffer from subsequent psychological symptoms, compared with those who accept these emotions.
Those who showed greater acceptance of their negative emotions had higher levels of well-being and mental health. As the lead researcher, Iris Mauss, stated, "People who routinely accept their negative emotions experience fewer negative emotions, which contributes to their improved mental health."
Organized and Private Venting
Quiet collapse is not weakness or a failure to cope, but an organized and private relief that prevents pressure from building up to an uncontrollable extent. The problem is not in the collapse itself, but in not allowing oneself a safe space, or rather, a private space to collapse in the first place.
And the "quiet" part of the title is important, as it's not about showcasing pain, nor about seeking appreciation or turning a tough evening into someone else’s emergency problem. It’s about building an honest and balanced relationship with one's internal experience.
Processing Grief Without Surrender
It should be noted that the brief appearance during processing is what distinguishes processing from succumbing to grief. It is mentioned that the study revolves around resilience as a process, not as a static personality trait.
A study, published in the journal PMC, revealed that individuals with high resilience dispose of both positive and negative emotional information much quicker than those with low resilience, meaning they move beyond the feeling instead of clinging to it. They feel it then let it go.
Mechanism of Shedding Negativity
The mechanism involves feeling the positive and negative information fully and then getting rid of it the following morning. It's not about pretending that what happened the previous night didn't happen, but about giving ample space for the event so that it doesn’t affect everything that follows.
It’s not about isolation or excessive self-sufficiency, but about developing sufficient internal capacity to bear emotional weight without imposing the burden of those emotions on everyone around one.
And possible contact is only with trusted individuals, with a necessary note that there's a difference between real communication about a tough matter and chronically imposing the burden of regulating emotions on others.
