We often tend to classify others in our lives as "difficult," like a friend who doesn't accept criticism or a partner who insists he's always right, or a colleague who turns any discussion into a fight. But a question we rarely ask ourselves: What if we are that person sometimes?
Jefferson Fisher, a lawyer specializing in disputes and author of "The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More," says the difficulty is not in accepting the idea theoretically, but in noticing it when it happens. According to a report by "Time" magazine, experts believe there are signs that may indicate your role in disputes is larger than you think.
1- Generalizing.. "Always" and "Never"
In the midst of a dispute, phrases like "you always" and "you never do" seem to simplify the problem, but they actually change the course of the discussion. Instead of focusing on what happened, the conversation shifts to a debate about the accuracy of these words: Does it really happen every time?
The other party feels reduced to a negative static image, which tends them to defend themselves instead of thinking about what you’re saying. Thus, it is more prudent to point to a specific situation and its impact on you: "When this happened, I felt this," which opens the door to dialogue instead of argument.
2- Attacking the Person, Not the Behavior
Confusing a person's identity with their action is one of the most common mistakes, such as: "You are selfish" or "You never change." These statements do not criticize a specific action but affect the person's self-image, making them feel wholly condemned.
Therapist Atali Abramovitch explains that this leads the other party to defend themselves instead of trying to improve. The alternative is to describe the action and its impact on you, like: "I get hurt when you interrupt me," keeping the problem with the behavior, not the person.
3- Scorekeeping
When a dispute turns into a continual recall of past mistakes, the relationship becomes more like an "accounting ledger." Often the problem is not the event itself, but a feeling of unappreciated effort or an imbalance of effort.
In this case, a direct expression of needs—like: "I need to feel that my efforts are appreciated"—is more effective than listing mistakes.
4- Double Standards
We may justify for ourselves what we reject in others. We find excuses for our actions, while we interpret the same action from someone else as negligence or lack of care.
Paying attention to this double standard helps in being fairer and greatly reduces the intensity of a dispute before it escalates.
5- Are Others Careful Around You?
Sometimes the problem shows in others' behavior, not in your words. If you notice they avoid certain topics with you or choose their words carefully, it may be due to fear of your reaction.
Listening to feedback from those close to you may reveal patterns we don't see ourselves but are clear to those around us.
6- Disputes Follow You Everywhere
Everyone goes through tough times, but repeated disputes in most relationships may indicate a recurring pattern. Sometimes people are unconsciously attracted to tension because it fills an internal void.
Just noticing this pattern can be the start of changing it.
7- Anger Lasting Longer Than Necessary
Anger is a natural feeling, but its prolongation makes us stick to our opinions only, losing the ability to see the full picture.
The ability to calm down, then trying to understand the situation from two angles, helps manage the dispute more balancedly.
8- Defensive Behavior
Psychologist Harriet Lerner describes defensive behavior as the primary enemy of communication. When we feel attacked, we tend to respond and defend rather than listen.
Noticing this moment and delaying the response a bit allows us to understand what the other party is saying. Also, an apology—even for a small part—can reduce escalation and open the door for dialogue.
In the end, recognizing these signals does not mean self-flagellation, but acquiring awareness that helps improve relationships. Sometimes the real change in disputes is that we listen more and argue less, and sincerely ask: What can I change in my approach?
