Khaberni - Nowadays, marriages no longer last long, and often they are overcome with misery and tension instead of happiness and peace. On the other hand, our parents and grandparents had marriages that lasted for decades, during which the partners managed to find common ground that allowed their relationship to survive and thrive. What is the secret behind this? Here is what the elders who have lived together for more than half a century say.
Cornell University researcher Karl Pillemer conducted a unique study aiming to explore the secrets of a happy and lasting marriage, inspired by the experiences of the elderly who have been with their partners for lengthy periods. The project included more than 700 people with an average age of 77 years, whose marriages lasted an average of 44 years or more, some of whom continued together for more than 76 years.
Through interviews conducted by Pillemer with the participants, he discovered that a happy marriage is not just a fleeting love, but is the result of experiences and challenges accumulated over the years. It does not necessarily mean the absence of disputes between the spouses, but definitely requires the ability to manage them wisely.
The couples included in the study shared the most important lessons they considered the secret to the longevity and success of the marriage, which Pillemer summarized in five main points:
1 – Good Communication
Open and honest communication is the cornerstone in maintaining a marriage and resolving conflicts before they escalate. Absence of dialogue or suppression often leads to problems accumulating, which unresolved can explode at any moment, and these build-ups are among the main causes of separation in modern times.
Alongside Pillemer's project, several similar studies have confirmed that good communication, honesty, and effective listening were at the forefront of factors contributing to the longevity and happiness of the marriage.
2 – Knowing the Partner Before Marriage
The elderly advised to take time before making a commitment, stressing the importance of deeply understanding the partner's personality, habits, and morals before marriage. They also emphasized the recognition that these traits are unlikely to change over time, as many spouses choose unsuitable partners and bet on changing them, often losing this bet. Therefore, they emphasized that a successful marriage is based on mutual understanding and genuine conviction of the partner as they are, not as one might wish them to be.
3 – Lifetime Commitment
According to the study, one of the most significant factors contributing to the success of the marriage is taking it seriously from the beginning and not treating it as a fleeting relationship or one based merely on momentary passion. For a marriage to last, partners must realize from the start that it is a long-term covenant requiring commitment and patience even in the hardest situations, and this in turn requires the ability to keep promises and persevere in joint efforts to maintain the relationship instead of giving up at the first test.
4 – Shared Life Means Shared Decisions
Dealing with challenges and problems with a team spirit makes responsibilities shared and reduces the pressure on any party. The elderly believe that true partnership in marriage means mutual support, making decisions together, and facing difficulties together, this approach enhances understanding and strengthens the relationship in the long term.
5 – Similar Values and Interests
The elderly advise marrying someone who shares fundamental values and core interests, such as raising children, managing financial resources, and life beliefs. Alignment in these areas makes life easier, strengthens harmony between the spouses, and reduces frequent disputes.
Learn When to Stay Silent
"Learn when to stay silent" was advice from many couples who lived for decades with their spouses in harmony and happiness, such as British couple Trudy Tomlinson (97 years old) and Alan Tomlinson (96 years old). The couple stated in an article published by "The New York Times" that their simple love story turned into a lifelong partnership that lasted more than seventy years of marriage. They affirm that despite all those years, their relationship is still based on affection and commitment.
When Trudy was asked about this long marriage, she explained that the secret is knowing when to be silent, and it is not necessary to respond to every disagreement or turn it into an argument. She believes that annoyances can occur in any relationship, but patience, forgiveness, and accepting the partner's flaws are what make the marriage continue and flourish over time, just as their love has blossomed over the years.
British celebrity chef Mary Berry (90 years old) agrees with this point, believing it was the secret to her successful marriage that lasted nearly sixty years. In an interview published by "Woman & Home", she stated that she faced many challenges with her husband, but she tended not to escalate conflicts but chose calm and temporary distance from tension. She believed that letting the disagreement cool down, going outside for fresh air, or engaging in a simple task was enough to restore balance to the relationship.
Mary believes the long success of their marriage was not in being perfect, but in mutual respect, patience, and flexibility. She says humorously that her husband often agrees with her by saying "Yes dear," then each would go their own way, in silent understanding which allowed their marriage to continue and grow over the years.
Adhering to Traditional Values and Keeping Promises
Mary also emphasized that one of the secrets to the continuation of her marriage was viewing it as a deep commitment based on traditional values and keeping the promises made on their wedding day. And this point of view coincides with what Pillemer deduced from his study at Cornell University.
She added that as her husband's health declined significantly with age, she found caring for him a natural extension of the true meaning of marriage, and a sincere expression of her wedding day promise to stay with him "for better or for worse." For her, caring for her husband was not a burden but part of the love and shared responsibility.
